I give up.

TW: This is not a happy post.

It recently occurred to me that the very first date of my life would have been roughly around 10 years ago, in February of 2007. I had met a boy online on a website called Netlog (yes, that was a thing back then) and he had agreed to pick me up from school. I walked through the gate that day and saw him sitting by the closest bus stop, with a notebook on his lap, drawing the clock that was standing on the square across the street. It was a very bad drawing, but I was 14 and the artistic type was cool back then.

Ten years is a really long time to keep trying and failing at something. Of course, it’s not unheard of for people to stick with something for ten years. I’m sure there are people who have been trying to get a book published, or a band going, for longer. Kudos to those people for their perseverance.

But I don’t think I have that in me. You know those completely asinine everyday moments where everything suddenly catches up with you? I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling trying to fall asleep and my brain decided that would be a good time for a flashback.

And then I realized I can’t do it anymore. I can’t have another “so where are you from” conversation. I can’t waste another evening sipping coffee and trying to get the person across the table to say something even remotely interesting. I can’t give up any more precious reading time to swipe faces left or right on a screen. I can’t take the stress of having to make a good first impression at all costs and of forcing myself to be cheerful and I can’t waste another drop of frankly very expensive makeup on people I’m never going to see again.

And more than anything, I can’t take meeting someone I actually like and getting my hopes up only for everything to go to hell a few months later.

So I decided I want to let go.  

I know I’ve probably said this before, to friends, tearfully, over a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates, but I feel like this is a much more sober, rational decision. I deleted every single dating app from my phone last night – and if you ever see me using one again, it means I downloaded it in a moment of weakness and I’d like you to take my phone and smash me over the head with it. I’m done with Disney films, and romantic comedies, and love stories, and fairy tales, and my secret Pinterest wedding board. I’m done with stopping to look at engagement rings or baby shoes. I’m done with paying attention to school ranking tables. I’m done with reading developmental psychology articles on Google Scholar and I’m done with the entire concept of happily ever after.

I give up.