I give up.

TW: This is not a happy post.

It recently occurred to me that the very first date of my life would have been roughly around 10 years ago, in February of 2007. I had met a boy online on a website called Netlog (yes, that was a thing back then) and he had agreed to pick me up from school. I walked through the gate that day and saw him sitting by the closest bus stop, with a notebook on his lap, drawing the clock that was standing on the square across the street. It was a very bad drawing, but I was 14 and the artistic type was cool back then.

8 things I learned in 2016

I believe humans are nothing if not works in progress. So I think how much you learn over the course of a year is a pretty good way of measuring how successful it was. I know 2016 was an absolute clusterfuck in terms of politics and the world as a whole, but for me, it actually went pretty well.

Eight TEDxVienna Quotes To Inspire You

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since my last TEDxVienna post. It’s been quite a messy, eventful year. But that’s beside the point.

This year, instead of boring you with a chronological account of the day, I picked eight shareworthy quotes from seven different speakers to inspire you and make you think.

When grown-ups have feelings

The older I get, the more I wonder whether there even is such a thing as a grown-up. Most of the time I think we’re all just flailing about and none of us really know what the fuck we’re doing anyway.

I don’t know if I qualify as a grown-up. I mean, I may be financially independent now and I’ve learned the four P’s of marketing, but I still don’t know anything about stocks and I still don’t have a driver’s license.

One way in which I do notice time passing, though, is that I don’t seem to feel things quite as intensely as I used to. It’s like someone set the transparency higher on my life, like I still see the colors but what used to be a flaming red has become an orange-tinted kind of coral and the deep blue that used to feel like I would drown in it and never resurface suddenly seems a less insurmountable shade of petrol.

This Book Helped Me Figure Out My Life Purpose

Do you know what you're alive for?

I don't think everyone looks for a life purpose. If you were born in poverty, or if you're ill, you can't afford to wonder why you get out of bed in the mornings. You get out of bed because if you don't show up to work, you stand to lose your entire existence, and maybe that of your family too. You get out of bed because you don't know if you'll still be alive to do it tomorrow.

So my search for meaning is, to some extent, a luxury problem. 

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“What do you do to relax?”

“So you don’t really have any hobbies, per se?”

“Should I be worried about how ambitious you are?”

“Does that leave time for a boyfriend?”

“Do you ever read for pleasure? Like murder mysteries?”

These are all questions I was asked over the course of the last few days, during several interviews for various post-graduate degrees, summer schools and courses.

I don’t read murder mysteries, and much like horror movies, I have never understood how people enjoy them. Maybe that’s because watching your father beat your mother unconscious scares you enough to last you a lifetime.

But more to the point, I feel cheated. For 15 years, I was pushed by my parents, my teachers, the education system as a whole, to do more, achieve more, aim higher. I was told that if I got perfect grades and took part in suitable extracurriculars, like piano and Spanish class, I would make it into a good university, and if I then maintained straight A’s while completing internships and gaining work experience, I would have a bright future. Job applications and interviews would be easy. Anyone would want me in their company or their classroom. I would never have to worry about money.

To a child who often had to miss birthday parties because we couldn’t afford to buy a present, all of that sounded pretty good. So I upheld my part of the deal. I got the grades. I showed up to the piano lessons, and the Latin classes, and the Spanish classes. I got into a good university, and then a better one. I won the awards, I did the internships and the summer school programs.

Of course, because I’m a woman, I was expected to do all of this while conforming to established beauty standards. So I starved myself, and tried to make myself throw up but couldn’t, and ate my feelings and then went back to starving myself. I forced myself to exercise even though I hated it and I learned how to do make-up so I could make my nose look smaller and my lips look fuller and I read fashion magazines so I would know how to dress.

And now, after years and decades of trying, my applications come across as too dry, too academic, not well-rounded enough. Why don’t I have any interesting hobbies? Don’t I enjoy running labyrinth half-marathons or collecting interwar period cutlery? This extends to my personal life, too – I’m “too stressed”, or I “worry too much”, or I’m “too intimidating” for people to want to be with me. I’m “too hard to keep up with”.

I still get accepted to most things I apply to, so it seems my efforts weren’t wasted entirely. But instead of being congratulated for them like I was led to believe I would be, I’m having to justify myself for not finding the time to shoot clay pigeons, and it’s infuriating. So, for future reference, here’s the honest-to-God truth, on the Internet, for everyone to see, never to be forgotten: in my few precious moments of spare time, I like to lie in bed, eat pizza, watch Gossip Girl or some equally shallow and insubstantial TV show, and daydream about marrying Chuck Bass. I do this about once a week for a couple of hours before going back to being a hopeless overachiever. So sue me.   

I went without solid food for 72h and here’s what it was like

Hey lovelies,

After two 14-hour workdays and six days of being stuck in bed with a cold and a massive headache, I’m finally going to tell you about how I ACTUALLY COMPLETED the fasting challenge that I wrote about in my last post (and I really need to work on blogging more consistently).

Being that the original idea of World Vision Austria was to go without food and donate the saved money, I set myself two simple rules at the beginning:

1.  No solid food.

2. No spending money.

Why I am going without food for 72 hours

Do you know what real hunger feels like?

We’ve all said things like “I can’t wait for lunch, I’m starving!” before. But in the west where food is pretty much always available and many of us struggle with not overeating, very few people, if any, know what it means to be truly, gut-wrenchingly hungry. Even the hunger you feel when you skip lunch on a busy workday is really uncomfortable. What would it feel like not to eat for days?

My Six Steps To A Perfect Sunday

Hi lovelies ♥

Do you like Sundays??

When I was younger, I used to hate Sundays. It was the day that everyone had to spend with their families, so I couldn’t hang with my friends, and Sunday was also last-minute homework day. Ten years later and Sunday is absolutely, hands down my very favorite day of the week. I think every day should be Sunday. In fact, I love Sunday so much, I have my Sunday routine down to a T. There are a few things that I NEVER do on Sundays: wear jeans or otherwise constrictive clothing, spend more time outdoors than strictly necessary unless it is warmer than 20°C, or see people I don't really want to see (I make it a point to meet my mother on Saturdays). And then there are a few things that I wouldn’t miss for the world on Sundays. So, should you ever run out of ideas or get bored, here’s my recipe for the perfect Sunday.

6 Things I Learned In Bucharest

Hi lovelies ♥

I want to write about the current political situation in Europe, I really do. But I’m so angry about so many things and I can’t quite find the words yet, so instead, I give you… my first travel journal!

I went to Bucharest for ten days over Christmas this year and here’s what I learned.

How I Spend My Mornings

Hi lovelies ♥

I hope you all had the best weekend. Mine was great, but unfortunately it’s back to work and real life tomorrow. 

Which brings me to my question for tonight: How do you spend your mornings?

I like to do three things in the morning: 

Hello World 2.0 | Confessions Of A Twenty-Something

Hi lovelies ♥  

At first, I thought this blog was going to be about positive psychology and self-development. I knew I wanted to write about something, I enjoy reading about those things, they appeal to a wide audience, and god knows I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to “be better”, whatever that means. But the more I researched these areas and trudged through the literature and tried to come up with topics, the more I thought, who am I kidding? I don’t have the first clue. 

I cannot with a clear conscience write about studies that suggest the best way to start your day is with a meditative yoga session and a tall glass of water. Not when I start it standing in front of the mirror with panda eyes, probably wearing two different socks, cursing whomever thought the winged eyeliner trend would be a good idea.

So instead, I’ve decided to write about the only thing I can reasonably claim to know anything about. I’m going to write about what it means to be a twenty-something in 2016.